Something my therapist recommend I try is writing letters to people, then not sending them. It’s a way to express yourself; it gives you chance to think before you speak.

The number one reason why I live in the night, because it’s almost as if time as stopped. No one is texting me, I’m not worrying about having plans, and I’m not super hungry. It’s my time of solitude. Because when I lived in Tennessee I didn’t have bad insomnia. Yes, insomnia, I was diagnosed and on a lot of medication to fix it. Unlike a lot of people who just say they have “insomnia.” Either way, I lived during the night. Going off my medication has caused this insomnia to come back.

A part of me doesn’t have a problem with me, due to the fact I am up early and living during the mornings again instead of sleeping because of my sleeping medication. But the only downfall is I lose a bit of myself. I become dead. Normally I’ve energetic and social, but now I’m becoming more and more irritable and boring.

It’s nights like this where I wish I could not worry and life would just stop so I can catch up. 

Not only is it an antidepressant, it helps me sleep. But lately it’s been making it hard for me to wake, to get up and start my day. After careful consideration I’m going to take to my doctor about possibly changing it. I’m already on another antidepressant and  a mood stabilizer. So I think this will be a good choice. I need more mornings. 

I was discharged. Why? Because I couldn’t make it in to the hospital today. I’ve been really sick all week. School starts next week, which I am very nervous about. It’ll be hard going back to school but I believe in myself enough to do so.

I need to start writing more. It’ll help solve these issues I have. My only issue is I wish I could be straightforward about everything but I have to hide behind something I’m not because my friends follow my blog and I can’t be completely honest. 

So after getting showered, dressed, and out the door I had realized I lost my keys. I had to end up calling them and letting them know I couldn’t make it but I’d be there wednesday. After searching for my keys for hours, I found them in the bottom of my purse.

Fml

Tomorrow is gonna be a long day.

Today was a blur. Most of it was spent sleeping, or more so passed out.My nurse Donna called in panic making sure I was okay. I lied and told her I was still sick. I never mentioned I overdosed. After being out of it all day, I am going tomorrow and getting another assessment, which means I might become an inpatient for a couple of days.

Prayer would be nice right about now. 

Sunday 26, 2010

Warning: This is mostly a rant.

Obviously there is no group therapy on sundays. So I decided to get away from my family. Thankfully some of my friends were there to save me after being sick all day saturday and dealing with boy issues. One of my closest friends come over after church to comfort me. She told me ahead of time she was gonna spend some time with her boyfriend and our other friend, but I was become to join them. All they were gonna do is stop by their bosses house and go take pictures. Being more social, I said yes. And what a horrible choice that was.

After leaving my house, my anxiety took off. Arriving to the ladies house I might be working for soon, another car pulled up. In the car was the guy I liked with another girl, there’s a catch, it was his ex. The one who I’ve heard many stories about. The whole tome they were holding hands, and she was super flirty. Yet in the back of my mind I remember him complaining about her, although I could tell he still missed her. I mean after being in a relationship for over three years.

But still, after everything him and I have been through, he’s hanging out with her again. All I want to know is if they’re back together. I need patience. I feel broken and betrayed. So in my copeing mechanism is to hurt myself, because normally I feel like the way I’m feeling about something is wrong.

Trying to make a good choice, I stayed in the awkward situation to fight the anxiety. One xanax. After I took it I told my friend josette, “Look, I’m only taking one. And I’m letting you know that I’m taking only since I’m only allowed to take three a day.” She understood. The guy and liked and his ex left, I felt useless. It’s another ‘mj’ all over again.

Through the night I started to feel a little better, then I got a text from my ex’s brother. He told me my ex was hanging out with his recently single ex. The day just got worse. Being sneaky I went to the bathroom and took five xanax and hid them under my tongue, walked back to the group and took a drink of water. Later on during the night I took three more. After that, I barely remember a thing. Josette drove me home and I went straight to bed, where I passed out.

Normally you wake up on Christmas morning with that feeling of anticipation in your stomach, wanting to rip open your gifts, see what “santa” brought you. But this Christmas morning was awfully different. It must have just been something I ate, but I spend my morning face down in the toilet. Then proceeded to shower and get rushed out the door for more family time.

Although it was Christmas, the last thing on my mind was being around loud italians. It was nice see my family and all but was I currently not in the mood. After not being able to eat, or throwing up anything I did eat, I was starving. Going home to everything I ate last night did not sound satisfying.

All I wanted was some comfort. But instead I got denied, yet again. Throughout treatment, I met a girl around my age struggling with similar things as me. One thing we really have in common is guys. It nice to know I’m not alone in this. Because guys seem to be a prime issue with my depression. 

After celebrating with friends the night before, I could barely bring myself to wake up in the morning. Aching with pain in my feet from dancing in heels, a throbbing headache, and feeling completely dead from getting no sleep. I lied. I admit it. I called Donna and left her a voicemail telling her I wouldn’t be able to make it, but next week I’ll be there all week for treatment.

So I slept in. Late on my mother walks in my room with the phone. “It’s Aurora,” she exclaimed. “Hello. Ashley?” Asked the woman on the phone. “Yes, hi,” I replied with confusion in my voice. “Hi, I’m Nancy from Aurora Behavior Health Care. Donna wanted to make sure you were alright because she noticed you weren’t here today,” stated the lady over the phone. “Oh yeah I called and left Donna a voicemail letting her know I wouldn’t be there today due to the fact I’m feeling a bit sick and didn’t know if I was contagious,” I mumbled since I had just been woken up.

Nancy understood and said that she would let Donna know I called her. I felt relieved. For now I have the rest of the day to regain some strength and get ready for my family to come over for Christmas eve. Yet I could feel a bad night about to come.

As the night begun and family started to arrive for dinner, my anxiety went off the charts. I fought to pretend like nothing was wrong. Out of nowhere I just angry and irritable. Since I’m able to confide in my mother, I explained to her my dilemma. She gave me the ‘okay’ to go lay down upstairs. Thankfully I was able to fall asleep.